ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity
by Satsuriku-Sama
Summary: It's basically the list of how to keep a healthy level of insanity, but waaaaay longer, so I won't be posting the list, and let the next chapter be a surprise!
1. sunglasses

**At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.**

_A/N: I changed it from 'lunch time' to 'any time'._

Reno was making his way to the Turk floor as he did every morning. He passed his superior's office to pick up his share of paperwork for the day. He closed Tseng's door behind him and made his way to the room the other employees called office. He thought the room's utility would be more obvious if the walls were padded. He put his stack of files on his desk and sat down on top of it. He lit his morning cigarette and started gazing at that interesting little spot on the wall.

"Reno." Rude acknowledged his partner.

"Rude." Reno answered.

"Why are you sitting on your papers?" Rude slid his sunglasses to the tip of his nose and looked at Reno with large brown eyes.

"What papers?" Reno puffed out a ring of smoke and lazily watched it fade away.

"The ones you're sitting on…"

"Oh, those."

"…"

"My desk is too hard. I need something to cushion it."

"Why don't you sit on your chair?"

"Can I borrow your shades?" Reno finally looked at Rude.

"…"

"Please?"

"…"

"I won't break them."

"…"

"I won't sell them."

"…"

"Aww, come on, don't you trust me?"

"………"

"Fine, I'll get some myself." Reno muttered and jumped down his desk.

"Why do you need them?" Rude asked.

"You're not letting me borrow them, so what's it to you?" Reno tended to act childishly when he didn't get what he wanted. He left the office, then took the lift down to the garage.

Rufus Shinra was a very spoiled brat. The ShinRa headquarter garage had seven floors, one reserved entirely for Rufus' collection cars. Reno walked up to a black Chevrolet Monza and slid in the driver's seat. Why the brat had such an ugly car was beyond him, but then again, most things the vice-president did were. Reno wired the car to a start and drove off to downtown upper plate.

He passed the streets looking for one of those all purposes stores scattered across the plate, and as soon as he found one, he promptly parked half the car on the sidewalk. He ignored the calls and glares, those that didn't recognize his Turk uniform were hushed by the others who did. Reno entered the store and made a beeline for the section he wanted. The guy who sat at the register didn't say anything about his purchase, eying his uniform warily. Reno made a mental note to check the guy's basement once he was up for work.

Soon, Reno was out on the streets again. He backed half of the Monza into an alley and got out with his shopping bag. He took the two items out and spread the plastic bag over the hood of the car. He sat on it, making himself comfy. He put the RayBan on, and untangled the hairblower's wire. When a car passed, he pointed the device at the vehicle and grinned evilly at the driver.

Several days later, Tseng was reading a report while he walked to his office from the coffee machine. It said that the traffic on downtown upper plate had slowed considerably. He frowned in confusion. The reports were usually about accidents due to fast drivers. He reached the elevators and pressed the 'up' button. Looking at the numbers on top of the door, he saw the elevator was currently on floor G5. The VP's collection garage. When the elevator door dinged open, Tseng was prepared to either question why anybody was on that floor, or, if it was the VP, why he hadn't called for escort. He wasn't prepared when Reno came out whistling happily wearing a RayBan and holding a hairblower in one of his hands.


	2. fries

**Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.**

Clarice typed furiously away. Why, oh, _why_ couldn't the General _use_ the computer on his desk? He just _had_ to write everything on a sheet of paper, leaving it to her to type. Deciphering that chicken scratch was torture. Every five minutes he came with a new sheet of paper and put it on her desk. Sephiroth was _mean_.

Then, there was Genesis. What is it with that guy and Loveless? Plus, there were numeral calls from hundreds of people, claiming they were his wife. Not all of them were even women.

Angeal wasn't as mean, but that stupid, flea-infested, rabid, hyper mutt that called himself Zack, kept wanting to interrupt his meetings, because he shit a different colour.

Clarice typed so furiously, that the last full stop popped out of the keyboard. Muttering threats, she sucked under her desk to retrieve the offending punctuation. Instead, she found a redhead squished under her desk.

"Oh, for Gaia's sake, what do you want _now_?" She huffed.

"SHHH!" Reno hushed her.

"Tell me what you want and get out of here before I tell Sephiroth you're practicing contortionism under my desk." Clarice pulled Reno from under her desk by his hair.

"Ow owow ow ow, not the hair, Clairy, not the hair."

"What do you want?" She asked again.

Reno straightened his ponytail. Then he handed her an envelope.

"Tseng wants Sephy pants' signature on these."

"Reno, I have been sitting behind that desk for over three hours now, _how_ did you get there without me noticing?" Clarice snatched the envelope from him.

"Who says I haven't been there for the last three hours too?" Reno smirked at her, eying her legs. Clarice thanked every god willing to listen that it was cold today, therefore making her wear trousers instead of her customary skirt.

"Get out of here you perv!" She smacked Reno with the envelope until he left her office, snickering.

She sighed and knocked on the General's door. A faint 'enter' was called. She silently opened the door, left the envelope on his desk and left.

"Miss Roberts?" Sephiroth called.

"Yes, General?" She sighed.

"Commander Rhapsodos isn't able to contact you on your phone. Would you see to that?"

"Yes, General." Clarice left.

Before she sat down, she thought of checking under her desk. Sure enough, there was someone there. But instead of red hair, she saw black.

"Zack, get out of there!" Clarice got her squirt gun from her drawer and started shooting it towards Zack.

"Ey ey ey, what's with the dogs antics?" Zack scrambled from under the desk.

"What do you want?" She hissed.

"Well, Angeal was taking so long to come back, and…"

"OUT!" She squirted Zack until he was outside, then slammed the door on him. She marched to Commander Rhapsodos' office, then knocked. The door opened and she was dragged inside by the commander.

"Oh, thank Gaia you're here, these fangirls have gotten so obsessed with me, I can't get them off my hair, and I mean it, look at my hair, they yanked at it, it hurt so much, I have a headache, can you make me some of that miraculous tea of yours, and then while you're at it, can I have some cookies, and can you put cream in my tea, and can you…"

Clarice was going to explode. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, very Sephiroth-like.

Genesis continued ranting.

She made her way to his desk and sat on one of the guest chairs.

Genesis continued ranting.

She closed her eyes and counted to thirty.

Genesis continued ranting.

Then she counted backwards.

Genesis continued ranting.

"COMMANDER!" She yelled.

Genesis sat obediently next to her and kept silent.

"Write it down on a book. I am not your diary."

"But…"

"Write it _down_, commander."

"Okay…" Genesis hung his head. "But can you still make me that miraculous tea of yours?" he perked up. Sephiroth was passing the office and stuck his head in.

"I want some too."

Zack had sneaked to Angeal's office and was being thrown out.

"Me too, please!" Angeal said on his way back.

"ME THREE" came the reply from Zack, from behind the closed door.

Clarice stormed out the office and hit the elevator button so hard, it popped out. Clarice sweatdropped. She entered the small room and (gently) hit the first floor button.

Reno entered the office scratching his head, Zack trailing absentmindedly behind the Turk. When they were questioned why there were so buried in thoughts, they explained they had seen Clarice dragging a family sized package of frozen fries. When Reno asked her what they were for, she said she considered asking her bosses if they wanted fries with whatever they asked of her. The problem was, she said, if they _really_ wanted some, there wouldn't be enough fries to last the day.

Sephiroth signed a two months leave for Costa Del Sol for Clarice.


	3. in box

**Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".**

_I was sooo tempted to do this here at work... but I don't get any papers, everything comes via e-mail *sobs*_

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except Clarice, the rest belongs to Square Enix. Except Sephiroth. He belongs to no one._

Sephiroth was bored. Sephiroth didn't _do_ bored. He always had somewhere to train, something to kill, someone to scare…all the training rooms were occupied, including his personal one (Genesis was making weird noises in there), there were no monster sightings, and everyone seemed used to his glare. He had nothing to do.

Well, there was that promising pile of paperwork in front of him, but he had already shredded the last one on Tuesday. Tseng had found a way to reprint all of the papers again, so the fresh stack was on his desk the next day. He had made origami out of them. Thursday there was the stack again. He had burned them in his trashcan. He felt the urge to dance around the fire, but that sort of thing was beneath him, so he opted for glaring at anyone that tried to put out the fire, at least until the ashes were nice and crispy.

Today was Friday, and he thought Tseng would have gotten the hint, but it was still too early for the Turk to restore his pet pile. He sighed and sat behind his desk. He looked longingly at the trashcan, but he didn't like repeating himself. Maybe if he balled up the papers and threw them to Zack, he would fetch them? No, he didn't want the papers coming back at all.

Then it hit him (It's a form of speech, since his reflexes are too good for anything to hit him, but you get the idea). He took a pen and a small piece of paper from his drawer. He wrote two letters on it, and glued the paper to the bin with some tape. He then set his masterpiece on his desk, next to his 'out' box.

Right on cue, there was another knock on the door. Tseng entered the office with (you guessed it) a pile of papers in his hands. Sephiroth smiled sweetly at Tseng, who froze in his tracks.

"Ah, Tseng. How nice of you to bring these papers over. Just put them in my 'in' box." Sephiroth said, gesturing to the 'box'.

Tseng hesitated.

"I will deliver them to Zack." Then he left.

"Smart Turk." Clarice muttered as Tseng passed her on the way out.

Zack came back from 'training' with Genesis and looked at his desk. The pile was _enormous_. He looked at Genesis for support, but the redhead was staring wide eyed at it.

"Do you think they reproduce when we're not looking?" Zack asked.

"How would they do that?" Genesis kept eying the paper enemy.

"I have a few ideas…" Zack successfully made Genesis look at him.

They went back to Sephiroth's gym.


	4. decaf

**Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.**

_This one has alredy been written, and I think It's really the best… I shall put the link here, because I don't think it would be nice to steal the story. Look how nice I am!_

_the story ID is:_ 5235246.

_it's called:_ Bad Reno, No Cookie

_and was written by:_ SarissaDiablo


	5. diamonds

**In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".**

Rufus was a very vain man. He liked to buy stuff, then show it off to everyone. He had a little book, where he controlled his money, he wrote down what he bought, for how much and from where.

Unfortunately, his head Turk had the key to his top drawer. And Rufus was a very private man. Even if said head Turk was his lover. So, one fine evening, when he returned from shopping, he had a very sly smile on his face. It was their anniversary, and he made some 'special shopping'. He didn't want to blow his cover by letting Tseng see his book, but he had to write something, to not attract too much attention for not doing so.

He opened the book and scribbled something in it, just before Tseng entered his office. Rufus hid the book in his drawer, purposely putting a guilty look on his face. He saw Tseng's eyes narrow, but the man didn't say anything.

Later that evening, Rufus was waiting for Tseng, his purchase safely hidden under his orgy-sized bed. He heard a soft click, then turned around. Tseng had entered his bedroom and had locked the door.

"Rufus. What is the meaning of this?" He held the book up.

Inside, Rufus was smiling, but on the outside he looked guilty.

"What are you talking about?" he said shyly.

Tseng sighed and pointed to today's purchase value. Next to it was a description. It said: "For smuggling diamonds."

"Oh, you want some too?" Rufus threw himself on his bed and looked at Tseng. "They're under the bed, help yourself."

Tseng eyed his boss suspiciously, then kneeled down. After a few moments, he resurfaced and held diamond-encrusted handcuffs.

"Smuggling diamonds?" he chuckled while loosening his tie.

"Happy anniversary, babe." Rufus whispered. Tseng pounced on Rufus.


	6. intercom

**Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.**

_This one was tough. I don't have any experiences with intercoms, aside from a whole shelf of them falling on my head at the store. Yes, my luck is that bad. I changed it a bit so it makes more sense…_

Zack was on his way to the cadet's barracks to pick Cloud up. They had agreed on a sleep over at Zack's after the training schedule Cloud had with Sephiroth. Cloud opened the door after Zack knocked, only to he shoved back when Zack entered. He ran to the bathroom.

"Zack?" Cloud walked over to the bathroom door. "Are you alright?"

Zack didn't answer. The Barracks intercom ringed.

"Hello?" Cloud pressed the button.

"Hey, Spiky, you ready to go?" Answered Zack's voice.

Cloud looked to the bathroom door.

"Why are you on the intercom if you're less than 8 feet away from me?"

"It's not important. Let's go!"

The bathroom door banged open, and out came Zack. He ran to Cloud, grabbed him and his bag, then ran all the way to his apartment, Cloud trailing behind him like a flag. (note that Zack's apartment was many floors up. Ahhh, the wonders of mako...)

Once inside, Zack dumped Cloud on the couch and ran to his bedroom. He locked himself inside. Soon, the phone rang.

"Zack, why are you doing this?" Cloud answered the phone.

"…"

"Zack, answer me dammit!"

"Cadet Strife?" Came Sephiroth's voice.

"S-sir!" Cloud Squeaked.

"That rabid mutt is paging you too even if he's close, right?" Sephiroth yelled.

"Y-yes, sir."

"I'm coming over." Sephiroth hung up.

Cloud put the phone down. It rang again.

"Hello?"

"Hey spiky! Don't tell Seph I'm here, ok?"

"Zack, what's happening?"

"Nothing!"

A knock came from the door. Cloud opened it for the General.

"Where is he?" he stormed in.

A squeak was heard from Zack's bedroom.

"Zackary!" Sephiroth pounded on the door. "Zackary, open the door this instant!"

Slowly, Zack opened the door a crack. Sephiroth pushed it more, until they could see Zack. He had his head bent low. Sephiroth lifted his head. Cloud gasped in horror.

ZACK HAD NO FACE!

.

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_Just kidding, back to the story._

_._

_._

Zack gad a purpulish blue handprint on his cheek.

"Did you mock Genesis again?" Cloud came closer to study the bruise.

Zack nodded. Cloud sighed and went to the bathroom to retrieve the salve to apply on Zack's hematome. He flinched as the cold cream touched his bruise, but kept quiet otherwise.

"Next time, don't talk to us over the intercom, ok?" Sephiroth was patting Zack's shoulder.

"Yeah, we won't make fun of you." Cloud closed the cream bottle.

"I will." Said Sephiroth.

Zack and Cloud sweatdropped.

_I know it was lame, I told you, I don't even have an intercom at home, I just poke my head out the window when I wanna see who's at the door._


	7. no punctuation

Don't use any punctuation.

* * *

Clarice was going to rip her pretty cherry colored hair out. Genesis was sure of it. He watched out of a hole in his door (a token from Clarice herself) as Sephiroth handed her yet another piece of paper. She all but yanked it out of his hand. He had the annoying habit of writing everything down in that hideous chicken scratch of his, and told Clarice to type it out for him.

After she came back from her vacation, she was pretty relaxed, and Genesis relished in hourly cups of tea that she brought without him even asking her for it. She even tolerated Reno and Zack pestering her.

"I bet she got laid." He heard Reno say to Zack one day, who nodded in agreement.

Then, Sephiroth came back from a mission, and started writing the reports and handing them to Clarice for typing. At first, she had this strange amused look on her face. Then, after a few days, a slight frown line on her forehead made Zack step back whenever he was near her. One week later, Genesis was sure something was wrong when his tea was scalding, making him burn his Loveless quoting tongue, and Angeal was yelled at when he asked for biscuits to go with his too cold tea.

"Here you are, Clarice." Sephiroth smiled as he handed her another sheet of paper.

She scowled at him and ripped it from him and read through it.

"You don't need to type it now, take a break." The general smiled at her. Genesis quivered behind his desk. Sephiroth should not mess with her.

She however, looked suspiciously at him and set the sheet in her drawer. She stood up slowly and retrieved her jacket from the back of her chair. Sephiroth watched her until she closed the office door behind her. Quickly, he put a whole stack of papers on her desk, with a big bowl full of cherries on it. Genesis hiccupped. Even though there were cherries, she would be pissed. He wondered if he barricaded his door he would be safe.

* * *

Clarice went to the small artificial garden on the 60th floor to smoke a cigarette in peace, and try to calm down.

"Hey, Clairy." Reno puffed a bit of smoke and patted the bench next to him. She sat on the cold stone and watched the smoke from Reno's cigarette be sucked into the air purifying system in the smoking room.

"What's up?" Reno asked.

Clarice took her own smokes out and lit them by touching the end of it to Reno's.

"You know that's fuckin' sexy, right?" he talked around his own cigarette, making it wobble dangerously up and down. "But your smokes stink." He wrinkled his nose at the artificial cherry scent.

"What can I say, I like cherries." Clarice shrugged.

"You know what goes well with cherries?" Reno wagged his eyebrows at her. "Whipped cream." He closed his eyes, waiting for the impact, but it never came. He looked at her again and sagged his shoulders in concern. She was looking forwards with a blank expression on her face, kicking her feet and fiddling with her cigarette.

"What's wrong?"

"Sephiroth." She spit the name out like it was poison.

"What did he do now?" Reno rubbed her back soothingly.

"Keeps making me type out his chicken scratch." She mumbled.

Reno sighed. Clarice was a very fast typer, but the General sometimes overworked her. She finished her cigarette, pecked Reno on the cheek and went back to her office.

* * *

Genesis was beyond cowering behind his desk. He was cowering behind Zack, who was cowering behind Angeal, who was too big to cower behind anything, so he just stood there shaking. Sephiroth, meanwhile, was hanging upside down by his foot on the ceiling lamp, while Clarice shredded the written papers and set the keyboard _in front_ of the computer screen, not as a support for the sagging leaves of the water deprived plant in the corner of the office.

"You will use the computer from now on, _sir_, and mail me the reports. And I _dare_ you to miss out on _any_ punctuation!" she stormed off, slamming the door to the General's office closed. She passed Angeal and his agglomerates, who flinched and grabbed her bowl of cherries. When she opened the door to leave for the day, Reno was grinning on the other side. She slapped him. Good.

"That was for the whipped cream comment." She sauntered off, munching furiously on the poor innocent cherries.


	8. too much punctuation

**Use: too...much; punctuation!**

_I must say, it annoys me._

* * *

After Angeal and Genesis got Sephiroth down from the lamp, they proceeded to explain him how Microsoft Word ® worked. Then they went out to buy more cherries.

"Why does Sephiroth insist on pestering her?" Genesis wondered aloud as Zack and Reno fought over which cherries to buy.

"Maybe because she worked with Hojo?" Angeal shuddered at the thought of the man.

"But he especially wanted her, from all the secretaries we interviewed." Genesis leaned against the shopping cart. It didn't even budge, it was so full of cherries.

"Yeah, but still…" Angeal pushed the cart towards the register. They hauled the cherries into the ShinRa van they had 'borrowed' and made their way back.

* * *

Clarice was supporting her head on both her hands, her fingers gripping tightly at her short hair. She was staring hopelessly at her computer screen.

"Hiya, Clairy…" Reno approached carefully with bags of cherries.

Clarice sighed, and kept staring at her monitor.

"Is everything okay?" he put the bags on her desk and took a box of cherries out. She didn't even blink at it. She simply turned her monitor towards them.

'The…total damage: to, the reactor was approximately: 30_%. Total; of 'monsters' ~ were_75, in total.'

That was the first phrase of Sephiroth's typed report. The rest of the 15 pages were equally punctuated. Angeal was ready to bet there were more symbols than letters.

"We're going to talk to him, okay?" he rubbed her shoulder soothingly. "Eat a cherry." He pushed the box towards her.

* * *

Sephiroth was furiously typing away when Angeal and Genesis exited his office. Clarice was eating her third box of cherries, Reno was stealing some to eat with whipped cream and Zack was squirting the whipped cream bottle directly into his mouth.

45 minutes later, the general exited his office, wrinkled his nose at a white-faced Zack and put a file on Clarice's desk. He quickly went back behind his own door. Clarice wiped her hands on Reno's suit and opened the file. She read quickly through it, and smiled warmly. She swiveled her chair around and put it in the 'finished reports' drawer. She took a small plate from the little kitchen in the office and put some cherries on it. She yanked the whipped cream bottle from Zack, squirted a generous amount of it on the cherries and entered the General's office.

Genesis and Angeal had come out to see if they needed to get another ladder. They heard a 'thank you' from inside the office, and she exited with a small smile on her face.

"Why don't I ever get cherries?" Genesis whined at her.

"Because you're too loud." Angeal accepted his plate of cherries and whipped cream from Clarice.

Genesis scowled and crossed his arms childishly. A plate of cherries appeared in front of his face. He grinned and took it from Clarice.

"Thanks for talking to him, guys." She blushed. "I don't know where he got that idea."

No one saw Zack sneak guiltily out of the office.


	9. The Zoo

**When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"**

**When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"**

**Warning: Lots of crack and OOC-ness. And before you ask, no, I have not taken my dog's painkillers with wine.**

* * *

Genesis glared at his monitor. Shin-Ra wanted him to go to the zoo. The _zoo_, of all places. Why? If he wanted to see sad, caged animals, he'd just go down to the labs… he exited his office and saw Sephiroth and Angeal talking with Clarice.

"Why do we need to _go_, I don't _want_ to go, can't _you_ go for me?" Sephiroth was whining to Clarice.

"I'm not a Shin-Ra General, and I don't like zoos, you're going, because the President told you to." She rubbed her temples.

"You're going too?" he asked his friends.

"Apparently, the President wants us to appear in public." Angeal crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Something about having normal lives and being friendly…" Sephiroth muttered.

"Can't you at least come _with_ us?" Angeal turned to Clarice.

"_I_, have work to do." Clarice replied, glaring daggers at Sephiroth.

"I'll send the reports to Zack from now on if you go with us." Sephiroth offered.

"HEY!" an undignified, muffled shout came from under the desk. Clarice scrambled backwards and reached for a squirt gun in her drawer. "No, no, no, not water, nooo…" Zack stumbled from under her desk.

"What have I told you about hiding under my desk?" Clarice shouted at Zack.

"Reno does it all the time…" Zack mumbled, hiding behind Angeal.

"What do I do all the time?" Reno chose precisely that moment to enter the office carrying a few folders. Clarice threw the empty plastic toy gun at him. He caught it. "Told you she'd find you." He grinned at Zack.

"We're going to the zoo!" Zack grinned at Reno.

"_We_, does not include you or Reno." Sephiroth growled.

"Nor me." Clarice sat back at her desk.

Genesis kept whining at her while Reno gave Sephiroth the files and told him to call Tseng.

'_what's that noise?_' their enhanced hearing caught Tseng asking Sephiroth over the phone.

"Nothing." Sephiroth replied.

"WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO, BOSSMAN!" Reno yelled.

'_the zoo?_' Tseng's tinny voice asked. '_so you received the mail, too?_'

"Not you too…" Sephiroth groaned.

'_I'll be down in a moment._' The line went dead. Sephiroth sighed and put his phone in his pocket.

"For the last time, Commander, I am _not_ going!" Clarice was saying.

Genesis whined. He didn't want to go, and Clarice was their assistant, so she should _assist_ them. He told her so. Clarice pursed her lips.

"He has a point…" Sephiroth said.

"Indeed, you should come too." A silky voice said from the doorway. Clarice went as red as her hair and started to fidget. Oh, they all knew she had it bad for Tseng. The Turk leader stepped inside. "Should we, Gentlemen? Lady?" he turned his eyes to Clarice.

"Um…s-sure…" she stood up and grabbed her coat from the back of her chair.

"Leave it to Tseng to get her to come along…" Reno muttered. The three Generals also knew that Reno liked her, but his relationships seemed to never last, so they were hoping more for Tseng. Zack had this puzzled look on his face, wondering why Reno was so bitter. Dog brains...

They parked the 'borrowed' Shin-Ra truck close to the Zoo and stepped onto the sidewalk. Immediately, all eyes were drawn to them. Luckily, Clarice had told them to wear more casual clothes, so that they would seem less aggressive.

"Shit." Reno felt his pockets.

"What?" Clarice watched him curiously.

"I need to find an ATM."

"Why?"

"Do you really think I'm gonna let it show on my bill that I went to a zoo?" Reno stared incredulously at her.

They found a convenience store with an ATM, and bestowed it upon Reno that he buy all of their tickets and snacks. He started to argue, but Clarice stood akimbo and raised an eyebrow at him. He grumbled and turned to the ATM.

They were roaming around the store, choosing snacks and drinks to take to the zoo, when they heard Reno shout.

"I WON! I WON! I'M RICH!" he was jumping up and down in front of the ATM with a fistful of money. They all facepalmed simultaneously.

* * *

Tseng, Sephiroth, Zack and Angeal went forward to wait for the redheads to buy their tickets.

In the line, Clarice was trying to look as small as possible, hiding behind Genesis. Reno was ranting off about all the animals he wanted to see, and what he wanted to do, and how he wanted to go to a restaurant later (on Tseng, naturally) and many other random things. Finally, their turn came, and the woman behind the bullet proof glass smiled at Clarice.

"Your son is very energetic!" she glanced at Reno, who hadn't stopped talking. "I'm sure you and your husband are very happy to have him." She smiled at her and Genesis.

Genesis had to drag her away from the lady, bullet proof glass or not.

Reno came back with the tickets and smirked at Clarice.

"So, _mom_, can I have a pop tart?"

"I can _pop_ your neck if that's what you're asking for." She growled.

"Mom?" Angeal asked. Genesis explained. "I see." No one saw Zack and Reno share an evil Cheshire grin.

They entered the zoo and Zack immediately latched onto Clarice's right hand. Reno shoved Tseng's inconspisuously approaching hand out of the way and gripped her other hand himself.

"_Mooom_?" they whined in unison. Then they started to loudly ask for many things, like all well behaved children we see at the zoo do.

"SHUT UP! LET GO OF ME!" She screamed.

"That's not any way to treat children…" an old lady muttered, eying Clarice darkly.

"What! They're not my children, they're…oh, fuck a duck…"

"Mommy said a bad word!" Zack whispered loudly to Reno.

"Daddy, mommy's swearing again!" Reno turned back to a guffawing Genesis.

"You did not just call me that." He stopped laughing and glared at him.

"Mommy, why is daddy mad? Did you two fight again?" Zack pouted at Clarice, but she could see the malice in those puppy eyes.

"You should be ashamed of yourselves!" the old lady watching them wagged a wrinkly finger at them. Zack and Reno ran over to her.

"You see, ma'am," Reno put on his most innocent look. "She makes us kneel on corn if we don't do what she wants."

"But we never know what she wants, we don't understand her when she shouts…" Zack gave the old lady his puppy look 3.0.

"Oh, you poor little children." The old lady reached up (yes, up) to pet their heads. "Come with me, granny's going to buy you a nice big ice cream, how does that sound?"

"Thank you granny, but mommy doesn't want us to eat." Reno sniffed and shuffled back to Clarice.

"She's trying to starve us, you see…" Zack said and shuffled to stand next to Reno. They sniffed and sighed, looking down, all in practiced unison.

"Shame on you!" the old lady whacked Clarice on the head with her purse. "Now you come with me, boys…" she dragged Reno and Zack away from a fuming Clarice.

"You can keep them!" she shouted after her. The two 'brothers' cackled in glee. Clarice turned around and frowned at Genesis.

"What!" he backed away.

"You just stood there!" she flailed her arms around. "I knew this wasn't a good idea." She stormed off to the exit, glaring at the small audience they had. Tseng stepped quickly after her and looped his arm around her waist.

"Now, now…" he said in that velvety deep voice of his. Clarice squeaked and blushed. "I think you would make a wonderful mother." He continued, steering her away to the reptile house, where he saw weren't so many people. "But you shouldn't be thinking about that, you're much too young, and that frown" he rubbed his free index finger on it "makes your beautiful features look less alluring." He purred into her ear.

He let her go, and she dreamily walked through the reptile house, sighing lovingly at the snakes and lizards.

"Nice going." Sephiroth muttered to Tseng, and they bumped fists.

Once Clarice came back from cloud forty-eight, they enjoyed a nice afternoon. It wasn't so bad, the most that happened were a few people asking for autographs and pictures. Sephiroth enjoyed the tigers and lions, Genesis and Angeal liked the playful gorillas and Tseng stared peacefully at the polar bears (though the polar bears all huddled in a corner, watching Tseng in fear).

Their pleasant trip, however, was interrupted by Zack and Reno colliding into Clarice as she was taking pictures of the colorful birds and sent her sprawling on the floor, with them on top of her.

"Please, get us away from that crazy old woman, _please_!" Reno dragged her up and fell to his knees, gripping the lower half of her shirt.

"Let's just go, we'll do whatever you want, let's go home, _please_!" Zack joined Reno.

"Boys?" the voice of the old lady reached them "Where aaaaare you?" she sang. Reno and Zack grabbed each one of Clarice's wrists and dragged her away. They stumbled on Sephiroth.

"What are you doing to her?" he frowned at their plush animal hats and zoo T-shirts.

"We'll explain later, now please, we have to find the others!" they successfully dragged Sephiroth away from the lion cubs he was playing with through the glass and ran to the monkey cages. As soon as Genesis saw them, his eyes went wide.

"She's after you, isn't she?" he asked. When the two younger men nodded, he grabbed Angeal and sprinted off to the exit. "Run, she's loose, run for your lives, RUUUN!" He let the panicking people drag them outside.

"What's going on?" Angeal asked when they reached the car.

"Believe me, you don't want to mess with a grandchild-less old lady." Genesis panted in the back seat. Zack and Reno vigorously shook their heads.

"Why?" Sephiroth asked from the passenger's seat.

"Trust me." Reno leaned back and closed his eyes. "You just don't."

* * *

They had agreed to eat at a restaurant on the other side of the plate (Sephiroth got to choose the restaurant). They left the car with the valet and were immediately seated by a snobby looking woman who sent dark looks at Clarice.

"Has everybody decided to make today the worst one of my life?" she sighed and lazily opened the menu.

"Aww, Clairy, we still love you…" Reno, who was sitting next to her, rubbed her back.

"Hand. Off." She snarled at him.

"You're not still mad at us for all the 'mom' incident, are you?" Zack asked across the table, taking her hand. He yelped and snatched it back when she pinched it with her long nails. "Guess you are…" he rubbed his hand.

They had a nice dinner, and asked for a whole cake instead of the customary slice the restaurant provided for dessert. Cherry cake, for the sake of a calm Clarice. Who, speaking of which, was looking very thoughtful.

"What is it?" Sephiroth asked her.

"I get the feeling we're forgetting something…" Clarice wondered aloud.

* * *

Far away, back at the zoo, Tseng was being asked by the staff to 'please stop staring at the polar bears, it's intimidating them', and 'please go home, it's closing time'.


	10. roughly

****

**Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".**

Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat…with a serious face.

**When someone says, "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.**

Stare at people through the points of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

**Write a short story using alphabet soup.**

* * *

Genesis was fuming. He knew Reno had the hots for Clarice, especially since he watched the security camera video from the smoking room in the 60th floor. Ever since then, he kept monitoring his secretary when she took her customary 4 o'clock cigarette break. Dammit, he, Angeal and Sephiroth were all hoping that she would form a couple with Tseng, Gaia knew that man needed to get laid, and if she ended up with Reno, they'd never hear the end of it.

BUT! He had a plan. After filling his comrades in on it, he strolled out of his office with his partners in crime.

"Good evening, Clarice." He said, in his most casual and innocent voice.

"What are you up to?" she deadpanned.

"We wanted to order some takeout, we're going to need to spend the night." He ignored his surprise.

"Why are _you_ spending the night in the office?" she eyed them suspiciously.

"Paperwork…" They said in unison.

"What kind of paperwork?"

"Wutai agreements…"

"Uh-huh…" she studied them. "Due when?"

"Tomorrow morning…"

The answers were too synchronized and were given upon no hesitation. She sighed and decided to play dumb. Sephiroth saw her type 'gonna b l8, have 2 stay at work' in her phone and look through her contacts for 'Koibito', which he recognized as the wutaian word for 'lover'.

"What do you want to eat?" she fished around in her drawer and laid out several take-out menus on her desk. While the generals rummaged around the menus, Reno came in with a folder.

"Yo, Clairy." He waved. Genesis sent him a dirty look. He frowned in confusion at Clarice, who shrugged. "Tseng wants you to order something for him, he's spending the night." He handed the folder to Sephiroth. "Something about Wutai agreements…"

"I see…" Clarice crossed her arms in front of her chest.

Sephiroth contained his smirk as he read the note inside the folder, saying Tseng was aware of their plan, and that they would be up shortly. Wait. _They_?

* * *

They had agreed on ordering wutaian food, to 'get in the mood' as Genesis put it.

"Hello?" Sephiroth said into the speaker. "Yes, I would like to order five number threes, two number eights, four number elevens and six large combos number seven." He listened. "Yes, 'to go'. Please write that down: '_to go_'" he ignored Clarice's weirded out look. "…Yes…Yes…Oh, and a diet water, please, I have to watch my figure." He put the receiver on his shoulder and looked at Genesis. "What do _you guys_ want to eat?" He ignored the thump Clarice made when she hit the floor.

Tseng had come up a few minutes before the food arrived, and was quietly chatting with Sephiroth in the corner. Genesis smirked. His plan was going perfectly, he even adapted to the unforeseen redheaded Turk. Sephiroth had positioned himself so that Reno was out of Clarice's sight and Tseng was facing her.

Soon, the phone rang, and Clarice gave permission to the delivery boy to come up.

"Here you are, miss." The boy handed her the mountain of food, which she set on her table. "That would be 854,26 Gil." He said as she came back to the door. Sephiroth stepped forward and paid the boy. "Have a nice evening!"

"I have other plans." Clarice shut the door on his face.

* * *

Sephiroth, Genesis, Angeal and Tseng all took their respective plates and locked themselves in Genesis' office.

"Damn, that wasn't supposed to go like that!" Genesis fumed as he shoveled lemon chicken in his mouth. He wasn't happy to know that Clarice had sent such a message, and when Sephiroth translated the nickname, his chicken almost met the floor.

"May I ask…" Tseng civilly swallowed before talking. "What is going on? I am not aware of any disagreements we had with Wutai."

Genesis looked at his companions for support. _Companions my ass_, he thought as he glared at their heads, bent over their plates.

* * *

Clarice poked at her rice. Reno was sitting on the other side of her desk, shoving his food down like no tomorrow. He looked up at the lack of comment to his manners, and saw Clarice holding her fork in front of her right eye and squinting her left one closed.

"What are you doing?" Reno asked.

"I'm imagining you in jail…" she muttered.

"Don't you use your imagination for anything else related to me?" Reno swiveled his chair around her desk to sit next to her.

"Of course I do." She lowered her fork and stabbed a piece of meat. She held it up for him to see. "Like this, for example." She grinned at his expression as she chewed the piece of meat. "I'm just kidding, Reno." She said after she swallowed.

* * *

They continued talking, Reno dropping hints like he dropped bombs on targets. Genesis scowled at the monitor in his office.

"I still don't quite understand." Tseng wiped his mouth with a napkin. "Why did you want her to talk to me? We talk all the time."

"You do?" Angeal looked back at Tseng.

"Of course we do." Tseng said, as if it were the most obvious thing on the planet. The three generals looked at each other in amusement.

* * *

Reno was sulking back on his seat at the other side of Clarice's desk. Tseng looked over his shoulder at what he was doing and saw the words 'MUST NOT LET CLAIRY NEAR FORKS' spelled with alphabet soup. He sighed and made a mental note to himself to check on that later. He sighed and stretched his hand out to Clarice, who took it and stood up, smiling at him. He lowered his head and pecked her on the mouth.

"Whu—" he looked back to see all four look at them with wide eyes.

"What?" he asked.

"You…you just kissed her." Reno pointed his spork at them.

"Yes, and?" Tseng helped an amused Clarice into her coat. They kept gaping. "You didn't tell them?" he asked Clarice with a smirk. She shook her head.

"I thought it would be more amusing like this." She smirked.

"You're together?" Reno looked like he had swallowed a spider. "For how long!"

"It's been…what? Two months?" Clarice looked at Tseng.

"Roughly." He nodded and hugged her waist.

"Speaking of roughly…" Clarice put her hands on Tseng's chest and looked up at him.

"LALALALALA, I'M NOT LISTENING TO THIS!" Reno stormed out of the office.


End file.
